Friday, November 20, 2009

Lifestyle Choice

Wow. This one kinda almost needs no words. So here goes a picture:

That's right... your favorite television motorcycle douchebag is bringing his unique fashion sense directly to the checkbooks of Los Angeles Kings Fans. Half Season Ticket Holder Buddy brought this to my attention early this afternoon... and the news hit us harder than Ryan Smyth being out for a month. This new venture is described as "Kings-specific lifestyle clothing."

That ain't no lifestyle I want to be a part of.

It looks like Christian Audigier took a shit on the NHL catalog. And what exactly is a "Kings-specific lifestyle?" Does this lifestyle include spending 1000 plus dollars a year on season seats only to miss the playoffs for 7 straight years? Does my Kings lifestyle include trading deadline acquisitions that don't score any goals in the 11 games they play for the Kings? If anything, the Kings lifestyle... is the lifestyle of a loser. What sort of lifestyle would have you buy the jersey of your favorite player only to watch him leave the Kings the next season?

This jersey is a gateway to a lifestyle you don't wanna know about.

As Half Season Ticket Holder Buddy always says... "Lifestyle specific clothing is also known as clothing (specifically too expensive for your lifestyle)." Me and Half Season Ticket Holder Buddy aren't "jersey guys." We wear at the most a Kings hat to each of our games. And you know what? We don't feel like any less of a passionate Kings fan. I have a handful of Kings t-shirts and sweatshirts and they are mainly worn for lounging around the house. Not for my Kings-specific lifestyle of hitting da clubs up at night.

Go Kings Go!

I don't want to completely bad mouth Jesse James and his ridiculous line of clothing. After all, he's a pretty dedicated Kings fan himself and having a celebrity with as big a following as he has (however misguided) be this involved with Kings marketing can only be a positive for the franchise. But maybe the Kings could have considered a few alternative designers that might appeal to a different type of Kings fan. Like the very popular Isaac Mizrahi?

Or maybe even uber-housewares designer Jonathan Adler?

Now this is a Kings lifestyle that this hockey-loving design-snob can get behind!

And everyone knows that First Ladies are always a source of inspiration in terms of fashion for the American public.

Yes we can. Make the playoffs.

I don't mean to say that all of Jesse James' new line is crap. One is actually kind of cool.

Ok, I'll admit it. I'd buy this.

But the rest of the clothes? Well look for yourself.

What the hell does "Little Stick, Big Goal" even mean?
It's like a reject from the Big Johnson pile.

Yes, that does say "Pucker Up"
Even James O'Brien, the NHL's Official Pun Commissioner would hate this.

So even though the Kings got rid of their old black and white jerseys some 10 years ago, we are once again back to where we once were as franchise... looking like a bunch of Raider fans. But maybe this new line of Kings-specific lifestyle clothing is a new chapter in the long history of failure by the Los Angeles Kings. Maybe, just maybe the new Kings lifestyle... is one of a winner?


CLS said...

Official ruling: "Pucker up" is only an appropriate pun in the instance of highly specific porn. It is not acceptable for hockey.

Carry on.

-Official Commissioner of Puns.

Chris Kontos said...

I can only imagine what the Pun Ruling War Room looks like. Thanks for clearing that up, commish!

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